Even if you’ve heard of sexual consent, you might be unsure of how to give it or ask for it. Whether you’re down to kiss, touch, or to simply just sext, we’re here to help! For the purposes of this article, we’ll be using the terms sex and sexual activity to refer to the whole range of sexual intimacies that require consent, including (but not limited to) phone sex, kissing, dry humping, genital rubbing, oral sex, vaginal sex, and anal sex.
The legal definition of sexual consent changes based on where you are located, but the principle is always the same. Sexual consent is an agreement between people to have sex or to engage in a sexual activity together. You have the right to choose what you do, with whom, and how—giving your full consent requires the communication of your expectations, boundaries, and desires to your sexual partner(s), as well as their understanding and acknowledgement of these preferences.
Sexual consent should be:
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The clearest way to give consent is directly and verbally. While it may feel daunting to give consent each time you have sex or engage in a sexual activity, it doesn’t have to be a long discussion. Here are some ways you can express your consent:
The best way to say no is directly and verbally. You can say no when a partner proposes sex or a sexual activity, or anytime during sex or a sexual activity. It is never too late to withdraw consent. You can express that you do not consent to a sexual activity in the following ways:
The best way to know that you have consent is to ask. Clear verbal communication and being attentive to a partner’s needs, mood, and body language are all important to ensure consent. Communication is often easier if we know our sexual partners well, so it’s especially important to be attentive with new partners. Here are some ways to make sure you have a partner’s consent:
Yes! You can change your mind at any time. You do not have to continue with anything that is uncomfortable, painful, or unenjoyable in any way. It’s also okay to simply not feel like doing it anymore.
You should never do something just because someone else wants you to. If the idea of a sexual activity or a partner makes you feel anxious, uncomfortable, or unsafe, say no.
Saying,“no,” is the expression of a personal boundary, not a rejection of the other person. That boundary helps you maintain your bodily autonomy and is a line between safe and unsafe.
Discover a few coping mechanisms that may help you think about and.
It is also okay if a partner’s feelings are hurt when you say, “no.” You can explain the importance of boundaries in any relationship and encourage them to communicate their boundaries, too. It is not okay for a partner to use feeling hurt or offended to manipulate you into doing something you don’t want to do. Doing so is a form of sexual coercion and may be a sign of an unsafe relationship.
Sexual coercion describes any instance of a person pressuring or forcing someone else to have sex against their will, and can take many forms. Sexual coercion in a relationship is a form of intimate partner violence, or “a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship.” If you are concerned about intimate partner violence, speak to a counselor and take steps to ensure your safety.
Don’t panic. Consent is a big part of having a positive sexual experience but giving consent doesn’t always guarantee it. We are complex, our feelings change, and our bodies can be unpredictable.
All kinds of evolving factors can impact how you think about your experience, in the moment and in the future — a partner’s responses, power dynamics, your feeling of trust, your menstrual cycles, your self-esteem. Some experiences you think you might like, or are okay with, turn out not to be fun or enjoyable, for you. You can’t always know in advance and that is part of learning about your own desires and boundaries. Talk with your partner or someone you trust about your feelings to learn from them. Would you like to try having sex with a particular partner under different circumstances? If so, consider how you might communicate that to them so they can help you have a more enjoyable experience next time.
If you realize that you agreed to engage in a sexual activity, because you felt pressured or to avoid a fight, then your consent wasn’t freely given. This may be an opportunity to discuss your needs and how your partner may be pressuring you without intending to. If your partner is not receptive to having this conversation, or if this is a pattern of behavior, it may be a sign of an unsafe relationship. Consider the warning signs of unsafe relationships and steps you can take to ensure your safety or speak to a counselor.
Lastly, if you have been sexually assaulted, or subject to any type of sexual activity you did not consent to, you can speak to a counselor and receive guidance on what to do next by calling the USA National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673, or contacting Rape Crisis in the UK. You can find resources in other countries on Hot Peach Pages.
If you are using Clue Birth Control, you do not have to share that information with anyone. On days when you might be fertile, you can let your partner know that you need to use protection to avoid pregnancy. Just because you may have consented to having sex without protection on other days, you can withdraw that consent and request using protection during high risk days.
